“Don’t let the
behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” ~Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai
Lama
A woman with whom I
once worked seemed to talk non-stop and loudly, interrupt incessantly, gossip
about whomever wasn’t in the room, constantly
complain, and live quite happily in martyrdom.
It seemed nothing and
no one escaped her negative spin. She was good at it. She could twist the
happiest moment of someone’s life into a horrendous mistake. She seemed to
enjoy it too.
At first, my
judgmental mind thought her behavior to be quite inappropriate. I simply didn’t
approve of it. But after weeks of working with her, the thought of spending
even one more moment in her presence sent me into, well, her world.
Her negativity was
infectious. More and more, I found myself thinking about her negativity,
talking with others about her negativity, and complaining about her constant
negativity.
For a while, though, I
listened to her whenever she followed me into the lunchroom or the ladies’
room. I didn’t know what to say, or do, or even think. I was held captive.
I’d excuse myself from
the one-sided chit-chat as soon as possible, wanting to someday be honest
enough to kindly tell her that I choose not to listen to gossip. Instead, I
chose avoidance. I avoided eye contact, and any and all contact. Whenever
I saw her coming, I’d get going and make for a quick getaway. I worked
hard at it, too.
And it was exhausting
because whether I listened to her or not, or even managed to momentarily
escape her altogether, I was still held captive by her negativity.
I interacted with her
only a handful of times a month, but her negative presence lingered on in my
life. And I didn’t like it. But what I didn’t like didn’t really matter—I
wanted to look inside myself to come up with a way to escape, not just avoid, a
way to just let go of the hold this negativity had on me.
And when I did look
within, I saw that I was the one exaggerating the negative. I chose to keep
negativity within me even when she wasn’t around. This negativity was
mine. So, as with most unpleasant things in life, I decided to own up and
step up, to take responsibility for my own negativity. Instead of blaming,
avoiding, and resisting the truth, I would accept it. And, somehow, I would
ease up on exaggerating the negative.
I welcomed the
situation as it was, opening up to the possibilities for change within
me and around her.
I knew all about the
current emotional fitness trends telling us to surround ourselves with only
happy, positive people and to avoid negative people—the us versus
them strategy for better emotional health. I saw this as disconnecting,
though. We all have times when we accentuate the positive and moments when we
exaggerate the negative. We are all connected in this.
Instead of attempting
to continue to disconnect, to avoid being with negativity, while just denying
my own, I wanted to reconnect, with compassion and kindness toward both of us.
She and I shared in
this negativity together. And once I made the connection, and saw our
connection, a few simple, and maybe a little more mindful thoughts began to
enter my mind, and my heart. This reconnection would be made possible through
love.
And these simple
little, love-induced thoughts spoke up something like this:
- · Patience can sit with negativity without becoming negative, rushing off to escape, or desiring to disconnect from those who choose negativity. Patience calms me.
- · And while I’m calm, I can change the way I see the situation. I can see the truth. Instead of focusing on what I don’t like, I can see positive solutions. I can deal with it.
- · I can try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Why might this woman choose or maybe need to speak with such negativity? I can be compassionate.
- · Why does what this woman chooses or needs to say cause me to feel irritated, angry, or resentful? I have allowed her words to push my negativity buttons. I can’t blame her.
- · She doesn’t even know my buttons exist. She’s only concerned with her own needs. I’ve never even told her how much her negativity bothers me. I see what truly is.
- · I see that we are both unhappy with our shared negativity. People who complain and gossip and sacrifice themselves for others aren’t happy. I can help to free us both.
- · I will only help. I will do no harm. I have compassion for us both. I will show kindness toward both of us. I will cultivate love for us, too. I choose to reconnect.
- · I will start with me and then share love with others. May I be well and happy. May our family be well and happy. May she be well and happy. I choose love.
And whenever I saw
her, I greeted her with a kind smile. I sometimes listened to her stories,
excusing myself whenever her words became unkind, much the same as I had done
before. But I noticed the negativity no longer lingered within me. It
disappeared as soon as I began choosing love again. I was freed. And I was
happier. And compassion, kindness, and love had made me so.
My desire was not to
speak my mind in an attempt to change hers, to change her apparent need in
choosing negative words. I did hope she might free herself from negativity and
liberate herself by choosing positivity instead. Our reconnection was complete,
quite unlimited, too, and it gave me hope that happiness could be ours, shared
through our connection.
I continue to
cultivate this loving connection, being compassionate and kind whenever people,
myself included, choose to speak negative words, for we all do from time to
time. We are positively connected in this negativity thing, and everything
else. And compassion, kindness, and love happily connect us all.
SOURCES : Tinybuddha.com