Here are 8 ways to spot emotional manipulation and protect yourself from it:
1. There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional
manipulator.
You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am
really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response – “It makes me feel sad that
you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the
great personal stress I am facing at the moment – but you see I didn’t want to
trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised
to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry.”
Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they
really do NOT mean they are sorry at all – but
since they’ve said the words
you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly
find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you
feel this angle is being played – don’t capitulate! Do not care take – do not
accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit – it
probably is. Rule number one – if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST
your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful
maneuver – it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this
shit.
2. An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper.
If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree –
that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, “ok thanks”
– they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know
they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to
be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever – they
will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and
how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making – which is something
emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two – If an emotional
manipulator said YES – make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs
and subtleties – if they don’t want to do it – make them tell you it up front –
or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their
theater.
3. Crazy making – saying one thing and later assuring you they did
not say it.
If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should
start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question
your own sanity –You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional
manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying
and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking
at black and they’ll call it white – and argue so persuasively that you begin
to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and
eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional
Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional
manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations
during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so
“forgetful” these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s
sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a
clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself
from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard
yourself – that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!
4. Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers.
They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up,
for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or
for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with
an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or
desires openly – they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt
is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty
conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt.
Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is
a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for
and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own
dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will
never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly
didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting
other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is “I
have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own” – check out
the response and note the bullshit meter once again.
5. Emotional manipulators fight dirty.
They don’t deal with things directly. They
will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of
telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive,
meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little
campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch
of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: “Of course I want you to go back to
school honey and you know I’ll
support you.” Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies
show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking – all
the while “Sweetie” is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you
call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, “well you can’t expect life
to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?” Cry, scream or choke ‘em
– only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your
butt in jail.
6. If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a
brain tumor!
No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has
probably been there or is there now – but only ten times worse. It’s hard after
a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator
because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight
back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you
selfish – or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even
tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of
proving it. Don’t bother – TRUST your gut and walk away!
7. Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the
emotional climate of those around them.
When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums
with it – it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the
emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator
feel better – fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser
for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you
even have needs – let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs
met.
8. Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability.
They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior – it
is always about what everyone else has “done to them”. One of
the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to
establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information
that is generally of the “hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me” variety.
Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally
open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional
manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always
be a problem or a crisis to overcome.